End of the World

The world is due to end on the 23rd of December 2013.  This is unproven fact.

When the calamitous event happens it will wipe at least 90% of the population off the planet and take out all of our modern convieniences.

Now, we can’t stop that event from happening – but what if your one of the lucky 10%?  I’ve helpfully given some tips on how to survive in this post apocalyptic environment.

#1. Now, women have a much better chance of surviving this than men – so dating opportunities for the few male survivors are going to be good.  The main criteria the lucky ladies are going to be looking for is:

Ability to repopulate the Earth

Usable Skills

Lack of leperous appendages

There’s a good chance that the resultant radiation has reduced your sperm count to near zero, so I recommend finding any handy infant corpses to carry around – you can then claim that they died recently – but you totally conceived them after the event.

If your reading this, there’s a good chance your in one of the roles currently picked as being ‘advantageous’ to the fairer sex – i.e. IT.  Unfortunately after the event, IT won’t exist – nor will electricity or even McDonalds.  So you need to learn how to a) Trap animals, b) Build shelters, c) Defend your family.

None of these are easy to do, but you can practice animal trapping at the local zoo – just remember not to do it when there’s a school visit planned – those little arseholes complain to the nearest teacher everytime you skin one of their precious deers.

Building a shelter is a tricky and fairly skilled role – you might be better off finding somewhere to secrete several easy to put up tents.

Defending your family could be difficult.  Several more capable people may have survived.  Your best bet is to start learning about currency now – if you can invent a currency you can probably bribe the other survivees to leave you alone.  If not, there are going to be a lot of women to each man, so you can just move to a different part of the world and start again.

The same radiation that has boiled your scrotum has probably caused other bits to drop off.  I recommend wearing loose clothing.  If your jaw falls off you can always reinvent the highwayman.

Part two will, probably never come.